Empty

Nothing makes you feel empty and hollow as losing a loved one... i lost my dad recently. I do wish i could mean it literally atleast there is hope of finding him. He passed away in front of me, my bro and mum and we stood there helpless as he held on to my mums hand and took in his last breath. I was numb for a few minutes before the crazy in me surfaced and i ran out to get the doctor, yelled at a nurse and i insisted she check him by which time my mum had resigned to a corner of the room and was sobbing. I was determined and adamant that this cant be it how can a person who ate a hearty breakfast in the morning and who talked to me through the night when he couldnt sleep just stop breathing? admittedly i have never lost anyone till dad, never have i come across a person who later on passed away, everyone i have known as friends or acquaitances are breathing and alive. So could be that i havent experienced what it feels to go through loss. At 27 yeah it does sound odd i havent lost anyone... except now my dad... my pillar of strength...the only person who balanced out our messed up family...

i cant understand how he could go from breathing talking and asking me to order pizza to just give up on us?... i want to accept whats happened but i cant... i dont know what explanation i am looking for but i am not sure what to do now...