Empty

Nothing makes you feel empty and hollow as losing a loved one... i lost my dad recently. I do wish i could mean it literally atleast there is hope of finding him. He passed away in front of me, my bro and mum and we stood there helpless as he held on to my mums hand and took in his last breath. I was numb for a few minutes before the crazy in me surfaced and i ran out to get the doctor, yelled at a nurse and i insisted she check him by which time my mum had resigned to a corner of the room and was sobbing. I was determined and adamant that this cant be it how can a person who ate a hearty breakfast in the morning and who talked to me through the night when he couldnt sleep just stop breathing? admittedly i have never lost anyone till dad, never have i come across a person who later on passed away, everyone i have known as friends or acquaitances are breathing and alive. So could be that i havent experienced what it feels to go through loss. At 27 yeah it does sound odd i havent lost anyone... except now my dad... my pillar of strength...the only person who balanced out our messed up family...

i cant understand how he could go from breathing talking and asking me to order pizza to just give up on us?... i want to accept whats happened but i cant... i dont know what explanation i am looking for but i am not sure what to do now...

My walk home...

For once i wasn't on call with anyone when I walked to the station from work. Normally the fifteen minute wall to and from between work and station is when I call home, friends and in general catch up with people. It helps in two ways, firstly I don't get bored walkin alone also I don't get the feeling that the walk is sooo long and secondly I am really bad at keeping in touch with friends who aren't in London.

Anyway coming back to the snap, after a long workout at the gym and a soothing hot shower I started walkin to the station. As usual called B, no answer. Also tried a few friends but no luck so I look around and I have to admit its a beautiful walk... desolate but bright and in a eerie way mesmerising...

Work Out!

Finally after months is saying "I will.. I will", I've finally done it... joined the gym that is.

Hmm so what's different this time around? Well for one I don't think ill quit main reason - Group Classes! Don't know what I'm on about? Well go on and check out the nearest gym and find out all about studio or group classes. It wasn't something I ever would have tried except for two really pushy girls at work who kept asking me to join them and boy! am I glad... its nothing but a bunch of ppl armed with exercise mats listening to a very fit instructor and following floor exercises from less intensive classes like yoga and Pilates to extremely taxing classes like Spinning and Body pump. A crazy variety of classes and something for everyone at best.

I have been going regularly for the last two weeks and plans to continue till I drop two dress sizes! Whoa! seems soo far away but guess I'm as determined as I can be. Oh also been on salads the last two weeks too except for one slip up where I gobbled up two pieces of fried chicken :( I know... I know..

Well today in on for Pilates at 6. Hope it goes well, I also plan for 20 min on cross trainer.

Ohh btw did I mention that they did a complete health check up when I joined and I am fit as a fiddle in all aspects except for the excess weight... which should be taken care off. Have a session with a personal trainer tomorrow who is gonna chalk up a training plan for me... fingers crossed it all goes well

Ciao
~me